Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Cheating: Part One

As I type this my lover has just left my house. I mean lover in the most literal sense of the word. A person I love emotionally as well as physically. And I'm going to talk about one of the biggest taboos.

You see I already have a mate. But my lover (we'll call him Justin for the purpose of this post) is someone who I am unable to stay away from. I have been cheated on and have cheated in the past. Every new relationship I jump right in, feet first and I'm sure (at least in the beginning) that this will be The One. You know what I mean, right? The One is who you will grow old with, marry and have babies (if you are so inclined and able). But then eventually things change. I make no excuses for my behavior. But let me back up a minute here. To really understand you need to know about "Justin" and how things happened with him.

It all started way back around the end of November/beginning of December 2010. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I knew I wasn't ready for another so I decided to just play around and have fun. This began my online "dating" (I use the term loosely as I wasn't on any of the real dating sites only hookup sites) period. But most of that is part of another story. So I had been online and I started talking to a few people. I was learning the ropes so to speak. I had gotten a little taste of what was what. I had met someone for casual sex as well as had what I like to refer to as a whirlwind casual love affair. Do you know what I mean? Where you meet someone online and immediately set to knowing everything about each other (sexual things and non-sexual alike). Well I was incredibly horny and the internet thing was nice but I really needed some in person contact.

I was online on my hookup site checking people out and responding to messages. And that was the first time I talked to "Justin". Now I can't remember who messaged who first (though I remember his screenname) but we were talking on the site's Instant Message chat and I asked him to switch to Yahoo Instant Messenger where we continued to talk for hours. We shared some pics and got to know each other. I felt an instant connection with him from the beginning. He made me laugh and was just interesting. We had different schedules and decided we would just have a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship. Just whenever we could get together we would if we both felt like it.

We weren't able to actually get together until New Year's Eve day but we talked every day (almost all day) leading up to that. We got to be friends before we ever even met. He was an early bird while I was a night owl but that didn't stop us. I even got up super early just for him the first time we actually got together. That first time was great and we actually ended up just hanging out and chilling for like 3 hours AFTER we had sex. We kept on talking all day every day. I am generally very good at keeping emotions out of purely sexual relationships but I still considered him a great friend. When I was stuck at work due to a freak blizzard (2 months after we had started talking) he was the one I called with the very last of my phone battery.

Time went on and we kept on talking, getting together a few times. It was more difficult for him to be able to see me because he had so much going on. Weekends were bad because he had his kids and with our schedules weekdays were bad too. But we made due with what time we had. Around the time I got stuck at work (I can't remember exactly when lol) he told me he had started having feelings for me. Now I considered him a great friend but I was making damn sure that I wasn't gettin any ideas into my head about anything more. I was kinda shocked and yes, scared. I of all people knew how hard it was for him to find time for anything. And he wasn't really ready to be in a relationship. He'd just gotten through a nasty divorce and was trying to really rebuild his life. So we both kinda procrastinated and let things ride for a while. Eventually I knew I wanted more from us, I wanted to be with him. Every time he texted me or called I smiled and just lit up I was so happy. But he was still skittish and the one time we got together (around the beginning of March 2011) after we had said anything about feelings and had talked by text about a relationship a little, he pretty much ran off as soon as we got done having sex. Now that kind of upset me a little.

But I got over it quick, I knew he was scared and honestly, so was I. We kept talking as we always had and neither of us really pressed the issue of "more". Around the end of March a friend hooked me up with her brother. I thought it was another sex only thing at the beginning though I learned pretty quick he wanted a relationship and considered us together. I was still strung out over "Justin" and he was who I really wanted. But I also was sick of being single and sex only relationships. So I talked to "Justin" and tried to push him to admit what he wanted. Yeah that worked incredibly well, could you guess? Instead he backed off and told me to give the other guy a real chance. There was also another incident that happened then that affected me, the new guy and "Justin" which made "Justin" pretty upset but that's yet another story lol.

The new guy, I'll call him "Todd", had moved back to the area from a bigger town and was pretty much staying with me. I was still talking to "Justin" and he was still the one I really wanted but when he insisted on staying out of the picture I really did give "Todd" a chance. Time went on and things with "Todd" were a rollercoaster. He had just been through a bad breakup and was acting shady. Anyhow, he ended up moving back to where he came from and I would go see him every weekend. I also moved from my place to my sister's due to some longer term plans we had going.

"Justin" was pretty upset about that. I was more upset when he told me he had slept with someone else. I felt like my heart was broken. And yes, I realize I was with someone else and sleeping with them but I still wanted "Justin". Don't get me wrong I loved the new guy, in a way, but no one can replace someone else. I was going to move to be with "Todd" when I caught him in a lie. I eventually ended things with him and "Justin" and I agreed to try a relationship. We just couldn't seem to physically get together and he's admitted that he didn't prioritize me enough. He tried a few times to tell me I deserved better and that he couldn't be what I wanted and needed him to be but I refused to listen and instead kept convincing him I was happy with whatever we could manage to have. After a while he cut me off. Just poof disappeared and didn't answer anything I sent him.

At that point I went and met someone who I considered another friend that I'd been talking to for a while from the hookup site. We had a great weekend and I went back for my vacation a few weeks later.I thought he was everything I wanted and I eventually decided to move up there and be with him. I was a HUGE mess! Like couldn't make up my mind about anything, only knew that I had to move somewhere so I figured why not take the chance. The day I was set to move I finally heard back from "Justin". He sent me a 3 page text saying he was sorry but he couldn't do it, he couldn't keep disappointing me like he had been. Honestly I was an emotional basket case anyhow and was bawling and can't remember if I even replied or just ignored it.

I moved as planned. Things were great for a little while. Then things went south with the new guy. So now I'm depressed, living alone in BFE with no friends and no one to even talk to most of the time except my dad and my online friends. And I still couldn't get "Justin" off my mind. I had blocked him from the hookup site when I moved because I know myself well and knew I would keep stalking and messaging him on there. So I unblocked him and sent him a message (Or five haha) as well as texted him. I finally heard back from him and knew things were different in his life and he would be able to actually have a relationship now. This was all in September of 2011 (I still have the texts). We talked quite a bit and he told me he missed me and that he wanted to really try to have a relationship with me. I was kind of wary but said we would talk about it when I came back home in a couple of months. He stopped talking to me again shortly after that. 

When I came back in Novemeber I emailed him but I got no response. A friend ended up setting me up with one of her friends while I was here and things got pretty serious between me and him. (In about 4 days we'll have been together 8 months). He asked me to stay and I did. I finally heard back from "Justin" in January and we have been talking ever since. He was kinda upset he hadn't checked the email before then. We've spent a lot of time talking and I've tried to figure things out. I've never really gotten over him for some reason and I still love him. 

A couple of months ago he told me he's following his dream and moving to the other side of the country. When he told me that I was devastated. I suppose I should tell you that things aren't all that great with my current partner and blah blah blah but I don't even want to get into that. It comes down to "Justin" and that I still love him and I think I always will. I've considered leaving my partner quite a few times. So my decision to cheat is kind of two fold: I don't have much to lose anyhow, and I can't resist or deny "Justin". This is really my last chance to have some kind of anything with him. So I'm taking what I can get. We've been together twice recently and he's so amazing. Tonight was fantastic, he was tender and loving. We can and do talk for hours about a good range of subjects. I have less than a week to be able to even be somewhat close to him and you can villainize me if you'd like but what it comes down to is I love the man, and I would do ANYTHING he asked me to (not that he asked this, it was kind of something that we both decided and in a way are powerless to deny). 

Any rude/mean comments will be deleted, thanks for reading.

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